USGA, hallowed by thy name

If any of you sports writers has covered a big golf event, you know it can be a tremendous pain in the ass. Trying to gather scores is awful, there's often a ton of down time and food at golf courses, if there is any, is often ridiculously priced.

But when you cover one of the USGA's 15 national championships, things get a whole lot better, as I learned Thursday.

The media relations people are fantastic. "Don't worry about agate," media relations dude said. "Just write your story. We'll send you agate tonight."

This heaven-sent message was delivered on our way to the food tent, where I enjoyed a spectacular lunch — a salad with baby shrimp, smoked apple wood bacon and an herb vinaigrette; some kind of sweet-ass pasta salad with ham; smoked turkey carved right off the bird on the spot with a smoky barbecue sauce; and these brownies with whipped cream and raspberries that were to die for.

Then it was back to the "media cottage" to partake of the wireless internet access until the leaders made the turn so I could follow along on the back nine.

Plus we got sweet money-clip wallets with the USGA seal.

And here comes the good part. Was this the U.S. Amateur or some other high-profile tournament? Nope. The USGA State Team Championships. An event you never heard of, featuring a bunch of golfers you never heard of who are (a) amateurs and (b) don't have college eligibility remaining.

I can't wait to cover my first U.S. Open. Hell, I can't wait for the Heritage.

If he had been closer, I would have kissed a man

I'm referring to the forgiving police officer who pulled me over for going *ahem* 60 in a 40 over the Fraser Bridge and cruising through the parkway tollbooth at 50 (I wasn't skipping the toll; I have a prepaid pass). But apparently the speed limit is 30.

I wasn't really paying attention to my speed, because I was driving back to the office after covering a cross country meet and I was writing my story in my head. When asked where I was going in such a hurry, I told the officer as much.

This fine officer informed me of my transgressions and told me he should be giving me a $180 ticket. Ouch.

I am truly blessed in this department. I believe I have been pulled over about 8-10 times now, and still have not been issued a ticket. *knocking on wood*

Mmmmm, SPAM

Those of you posting comments to my fabulous blog must, from this point on, jump through the hoop known as "word verification." Thank our fine spamming friends for making this annoyance necessary.

Fuckers.

Notes package (or: not enough for a whole story)

Don't have a whole lot to share today, so I'll just hit you with some highlights.

• Why did the news channels show wall-to-wall footage of the JetBlue near-miss the other night? And how could people watch it? There was a decent chance all the people on board would die, yet so many people couldn't turn away. I couldn't bear to watch the whole game, so to speak, so I caught the highlights later.

• My boss and I collaborated on a great way to describe the JetBlue incident. The plane circled for three hours, while everyone watched to see if it would crash. Sounds like a NASCAR race. Go Carl!

• The P.O.S., plagiarizing rag that is our competition appears to be going down in flames (no pun intended). Their sports coverage is falling apart. They haven't been to a single sporting event other than football games, and I think the coaches of the "non-revenue" sports have stopped calling them, because they're not even getting full results in the next day's paper anymore. Bitches. Stay tuned.

• It's Friday, and as many of you know first-hand, Friday (or Saturday, or Sunday, depending on what you cover) nights are what we live for in this business. What many of you might not yet realize is the down side of that when you're married. Mrs. JJ doesn't get home from work 'til about 6:15, and I have to head to the game around 6:45. Doesn't leave much time. Then I have a tennis tourney to cover Saturday and Sunday, so our weekend together is pretty much shot. I love my job, and it's hard to imagine ever doing anything else for a living, but it's tough sometimes. And sports writers' spouses deserve way more credit than they get for putting up with the crazy schedules that come with us living our dreams.

Here's to you, you tolerant souls.

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark.

— Death Cab for Cutie

Extra! Extra! Blog updated!

Dearest anonymous,

Per your request, I have updated my blog. Many thanks for your feedback - it is always appreciated.

Sincerely,

JJ

***SPOILER ALERT***

First off, I'll apologize for the lengthy time it's taken me to update this beotch.

But I have a good excuse — the new TV season is under way!

The time I once spent updating my blog and playing on t'internet in the morning is now spent watching television shows I taped (yes, taped) the night before while I was off covering god-knows-what high school sporting event.

So without further adieu, let's talk TV.

For those of you with new shows rotting away on your TiVo (or VCR if you're old skool like me), this is a:

***SPOILER ALERT***
Consider yourself warned.

MONDAY
After watching the first five minutes of "Arrested Development," I was dragged away to Target to buy a lamp for Mrs. JJ's office. I popped in a tape and recorded the rest, but haven't watched it yet. Also taped "Kitchen Confidential." Will report back later. In what became the worst Monday Night Football doubleheader ever (get it?) I fell asleep before anything remotely interesting happened. Welcome to the east coast, where football games don't end until normal people are in their third round of REM.

TUESDAY
OK, if you gave up on "My Name is Earl" in the first 5-10 minutes, boy did you miss out. This show was effin' hilarious. "I'd never come face to face with an actual gay before, so I didn't know what to do. I realize now the running probably wasn't necessary." 'Nuff said.
Follow up that little dose of hilarity with the always classic "The Office," and you have a winning hour of comedy.
I'll be searching for a new fix in the 10/9 central hour, though, for "Rock Star: INXS" has drawn to a close. Props to INXS for choosing the "best fit for our band INXS," and leaving the more-talented Marty to make his own record, which I will promptly buy.

WEDNESDAY
Ohhhhhh, "Lost" is back.
I missed the first 20 minutes — damn job! — but Mrs. JJ caught me up at the first commercial break. That is one freaky-ass island. Did anyone else pick up on the dude in the stadium saying, "See you in another life."? As soon as he said it, I turned to Megan and said, "Do you think he will see him in another life?" To which she replied, "That weird guy in the hatch did have long hair." *dingdingdingdingding*
Followed that up with "Invasion," which was mediocre at best. I'll keep watching until they cancel it in three weeks, but I don't think it's going to pan out into the next "Lost."

THURSDAY
Watch "The O.C." End of conversation.

FRIDAY
Is there TV on Friday night?

SATURDAY
College football.

SUNDAY
NFL, followed by "Desperate Housewives," followed by the second half of the ESPN Sunday Night NFL game. Here's to hoping Housewives doesn't suffer a sophomore slump.
Anything good out there I'm missing — besides Nip/Tuck, which nearly caused me to vomit every 10 seconds on average the first time I tried to watch it.
Suggestions are welcome.

Why I Love My Wife: Reason No. 1,275,938

When the word came down that the county's officials were considering calling for an evacuation because of Tropical Storm ... err ... Hurricane ... err ... Tropical Storm Ophelia, my wonderful wife stayed abreast of the situation non-stop. She desperately hoped we wouldn't have to evacuate this weekend.

"Why?," you might ask. Was it because she was scared? Because she was worried about our stuff? Nope.

It was because she wanted to watch football all weekend. And we did. And what a weekend of football it was.

Are Ben Dover and Phil McCracken safe?

Although I hate to make light of anything Katrina-related, the first name on this list proves that some adolescent boy somewhere has achieved legendary prankster status.

T.D. No. 16

Lurking in the Atlantic, some 400 miles southeast of Savannah, is a little ditty called Tropical Depression No. 16.

In all likelihood, "Sixteen" will make landfall in a couple of days — still as a T.D. mind you — and simply dump a significant amount of rain on this area.

Let's pray that's all he/she does.

Winter can't come soon enough here in the Southeast. Can I get an amen?!

Tagged - and we ain't talkin' graffiti

Thanks to Exceptional Erin for giving me something to post about.

She "tagged" me to be the next to share my "seven." Be prepared, for you might be next. Wahahahahaha. Wahahahahaha.

Here goes nothin'.

Seven things I plan to do before I die
• See the Cubs win a World Series
• Travel to all 50 states and as many foreign countries as possible
• Write a novel
• Own a record store
• Play a shitload of golf
• See a game at every Major League Baseball stadium
• Go on a service vacation

Seven things I can do
• Say the alphabet backwards - really fast
• Recite the 50 states in alphabetical order - really fast
• Make holes-in-one on all but two holes on this game
• Write on deadline
• Explain the difference between "farther" and "further" and other inane grammar and usage rules
• Drink caffeinated beverages right before bed with no repercussions
• Get to the beach in 15 minutes

Seven things I can't do
• Remember how to spell "separate" - is that right?
• Play a musical instrument - cowbell excluded
• Remember to put on sunscreen
• Remember to put on bug spray - damn mosquitoes
• Watch Mizzou football games - damn regional coverage
• Stop automatically subtracting an hour in my head when they say something will be on at "X o'clock Eastern"
• Let off the shift key before I type the "i" in "HIlton Head"

Seven things that attract me (to Megan)
• Her passion - for everything - she's the most loving, caring individual I've ever known
• Her wacky sense of humor - most people don't get it, so they don't even know it's there
• Her big, beautiful, blue eyes
• Her assertiveness - if not for her, I swear I would never do ANYTHING
• Her curls - even if it costs us a fortune to maintain them
• Her sense of style
• Her willingness to go wherever this crazy life takes us

Seven things I say the most (recently)
• "Craptastic"
• "Son of a monkey" or "Monkey sucker"
• "I gotcha"
• "Yessir", "Yes ma'am," "Mister So-and-so" and "Mrs. So-and-so" (It's a southern thing)
• "I'm glistening" (That's southern for sweating - men glisten, women glow)
• "Let's hug it out, bitch"
• "Outstanding"

Seven celebrities I (talked to this weekend)
Note: This is supposed to be "seven celebrities I dream about. But since I covered a celebrity golf tournament this weekend, I decided to mix it up a bit. Carry on.
• Hall of Fame shortstop Ozzie Smith - that's right, The Wizard
• Hall of Fame running back Gale Sayers - y'all remember "Brian's Song," right?
• Former NFL player Mark Malone
• Former MLB player Doug Flynn
• Former football player/actor Ed Marinaro
• Richard Roundtree - 'nough said
• Former Georgia Tech hoops coach Bobby Cremins

Woohoo! I'm done.

Radical Radix
Itinerant Tom
Mirthful Mo

Consider yourselves tagged.

Grammar geeks only

We have a new link here in almost paradise. Thanks to Fiscus, we've stumbled upon an old professor and his grammar and copy-editing blog.

Great fun for us grammarians; probably likely to cause severe bleeding from the eyes for the rest of y'all.

But it's kind of funny, regardless.

Katrina

Our thoughts are with Fontaine, whose parents' homes likely will have to be destroyed because of the flooding in New Orleans, Slidell and other surrounding areas.

Thankfully, all members of the Fontaine family are safe and sound.

I'm not much of a spiritual man, so I'll ask those of you who are to please include Fontaine and family in your prayers, along with the rest of the victims of this terrible storm.

In the words of Andre 3000, "Go ahead and marinate on that for a while."