— "Smile like you've got nothing to prove. No matter what you might do, there's always someone out there cooler than you. I know that's hard to believe, but there are people you'll meet, they're into something that is too big to be expressed through their clothes."
— Ben Folds
Easier said than done, Ben. Upon attending your recent concert in Savannah, we at
almost paradise suffered something of a quarter-life crisis. Being in the same building with thousands of college kids (art students, no less) made us realize how far we have fallen on the coolness meter. Our hipness hasn't yet hit rock bottom — which is to say it might be salvagable — but it is very much out of shape and out of practice. We here at
almost paradise would like to help others who might be fellow victims of this phenomenon cope with their coolness crises.
As far as we can tell, one's hipness can be assessed by addressing two key areas — music and wardrobe. The following is one man's account of his attempt to recapture his coolness and should not be regarded as the gospel truth on the subject. Best of luck, kids.
Where it's at
(I've got two turntables and a microphone)*
There's good news and bad news on this front. On the one hand, if you're frequenting establishments — live-music venues, bars, etc. — where your hipness is being called into question, you might not be as far out of the loop as you thought. Seeing a large number of hipsters up close means you're doing something right.
On the other hand, if you are questioning your own coolness upon visiting such establishments, you probably have some work to do. A true hipster would not have to ask whether he or she was cool enough to fit in, but rather whether the establishment was cool enough for him or her to stay there for more than five minutes.
If you don't find yourself rubbing elbows with cool people, that's where you need to start. Find some cool people. The easiest way to do this is to attend a cool concert on a college campus. Nothing brings out the cool people (and lots of other types of people we'll discuss) like a concert.
* almost paradise could not confirm whether Beck references are considered cool or uncool. Use with caution.
Other people's lives
(seem more interesting 'cause they ain't mine)*
When you find your cool place — and for these purposes, we'll assess the aforementioned Ben Folds concert in Savannah — you'll quickly begin to notice the myriad types of people on hand. You'll undoubtedly see:
• Cool people — These are the people we want to emulate. Look at how cool they are. They are generally young people who have no idea how good they have it. They are completely unaware that in a couple of short years they will struggle to maintain their youthful, cool appearance as they fight against the inevitable forces of maturity and responsibility that will pull them toward — ugggh — mainstream society.
• People who think they're cool — We don't want to become one of these people. They stick out like a sore thumb. They are a mix of young people who have crossed the coolness line by trying too hard to be noticed and once-young people who have crossed the same line by trying too hard to blend in.* This is the cruel irony of trying to be cool.
• People who don't care if they're cool — These are the worst kind of people, and the kind we must fear becoming. At some point, they were people who thought they were cool, but upon realizing they were trying too hard without achieving the desire result, they promptly gave up the struggle. "Too much work," they said. We don't want to become complacent with our coolness.
* almost paradise is quite certain quoting bands such as Modest Mouse is still cool, as long as it's their 'old stuff' from before they signed with a major label.
* There is a fine line between trying too hard and not trying hard enough. This is the difficulty we face in our attempt to (re)capture coolness.
Musical revolution
If we want to become one of the cool people, we have to listen to the right music. Luckily, there is cool music for (almost) every taste.*
• Rock and roll — anything on "The O.C.," Death Cab for Cutie, My Chemical Romance, Wilco, Green Day, Killers.
• Hip hop/rap — Kanye West (no other rappers have been confirmed as universally cool, though Jay-Z is close).
• Country (yes, even country) — Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, early Wilco, Son Volt, Slobberbone.
Again, if you attended a concert and came face to face with cool people, you're on the right track. If you know of at least one cool band or artist you like, you can easily broaden your base of cool music using iTunes or Amazon. Simply put something by said cool artist in your shopping cart, and let the computer do the rest. Make a note of all the cool bands the computer recommends and check them out on your own time.
If you have a cool record store at your disposal*, use it. Go to the record store and seek out the person who looks most like the type of cool person you want to be. Ask him or her what good stuff has come out lately. Most likely, you will be lucky to have heard of one of the bands or artists mentioned. That's OK, in fact, it's normal. If the store has a listening station, take advantage. Bob your head, tap your feet and enjoy while listening. Don't fake it, though. If you don't like it, say so. If you like it, ask for other stuff along those lines. By the end of your visit, you will be on the cutting edge.
If you want to show off your coolness, roll down your windows and crank up your music. This is only cool if you're listening to cool music, though, so be sure that your selection qualifies.
* These are merely suggestions from almost paradise and should not be regarded as authoritatively cool. Musical selections depend heavily on the type of coolness sought.
* almost paradise recommends Slackers CDs and Games.Wardrobe malfunction
Being cool is all about looking cool. With that said, a cool wardrobe's coolness is entirely dependent upon the specific type of coolness one is trying to attain. The only type of coolness
almost paradise has experience with is the type generally reserved for white, 20-something males who enjoy "indie rock," "Brit pop," "alt-country," and the hippest of "hip-hop." Some might know this look as "emo" or "geek chic." It has recently grown in popularity, and drifted toward the — ugggh — mainstream, due to its being featured by Seth Cohen on the ever-popular television show "The O.C."
If you believe this look is your ticket to coolness, by all means, read on. If you desire a different cool look, please consult other resources.
Geek chic — one man's attempted coolness comeback
In the early days of the post-concert crisis, we became suddenly paranoid about the coolness of our wardrobe. We never felt as though our look was decidedly uncool, but it certainly had slipped below the coolness threshold. Luckily, our closet still contains many of the necessary components for coolness — such as a hoodie, slim-fitting polyester pants, and tons upon tons of cool T-shirts and striped polos. But we also picked up a few things from none other than Target — a cool hipster hat like those popularized by Jason Mraz, which we accented with a cool button from our earlier stint as a cool person, a sweet two-tone brown track jacket, and a nice hipster-style sport coat type jacket.
After months of wearing the standard-issue uniform of islanders, and sports writers for that matter — khaki shorts and a polo — the pants came out this week. Now, we've packed on about 20 pounds since the last time our "hip" pants saw the light of day, so it was necessary to employ the rubber band trick, which we picked up from a female colleague at the P*rsons S*n.
For any who don't know (read: men), the rubber band trick goes like this: (1) thread rubber band through button hole, (2) loop rubber band around button, (3) enjoy an extra couple of inches on the waistband of your favorite pants!
Brilliant! What would we do without you women?!
Luckily, the hipster style we wish to achieve allows for untucked shirts (as does my workplace), making the rubber band trick feasible. If the shirt is tucked in, it requires too much work to ensure the belt buckle covers up the rubber band and keeps your secret safe.
If you're not comfortable with the rubber band trick, or if you simply don't own any cool pants, go to your local thrift store and pick some up. The pants should be slim-fitting, but comfortable, and gray, blue and brown are the most desirable colors, though other colors such as black and green also are acceptable.
Shorts are generally taboo among cool dudes, though there seems to be an exception to this rule in coastal areas. Just make sure the shorts are long enough — below the knee is good — and pair them with a cool shirt and shoes. If you must wear shorts, be sure to wear acceptable socks, too. You might be cool enough to pull off black socks or striped tube socks with shorts, but let's face it, you're probably not. You should probably stick to ankle socks.
Chances are, you have plenty of shirts in your closet that are acceptable with this look, as it is very versatile above the waist. Button-down shirts are OK, as are polos (especially striped polos), T-shirts, ringer T's, track jackets and hoodies. It is generally acceptable to go tucked or untucked, though the shirts should not be terribly long if you choose to remain untucked.
The shoes are key. The ideal shoes are old-school Converse Chuck Taylors, but other low-profile tennis shoes are acceptable, including knock-off brands from Target or Wal-Mart. If you need dress shoes, go for Steve Maddens or Skechers, or some knock-off variation thereof.
Go forth and be cool
We here at
almost paradise sincerely hope you are too cool for any of this to benefit you. But if you find yourself in a coolness crisis similar to ours, we hope this advice will help you through it. But remember to keep things in perspective:
There's always someone cooler than you.
